There Will Always Be Cake

"It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop." - Confucius

I'm Courtney. In my early 20's. As of 1/23/2013, 50 lbs lost, 120 to go! Keep on pushing.

My heart is free :)

I’m in the process of getting a divorce. I am one real estate transaction away. It is, at the same time, the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Ryan’s entire family thinks that we “grew apart” as that’s what he has been telling them (Yeah if you had any idea what I went through to get our new house, which is a long story, you’d know that is total BS…. “grew apart and gave up” my ass)– he’ll probably eventually just tell them I cheated on him for months because to him my best friend, Chris, was a large part of the reason we emotionally disconnected. I suppose in some aspects has some accuracies, but neither were the real reason – Chris just gave me the confidence and strength I needed to leave as a dear and supportive confidant, and unless by grow apart we mean: I eventually matured into a normal 24 year old professional with hopes, dreams and ambitions and he has stayed the eternal 33 year old teenager who likes porn, action figures, video games, staying up all night, leaving a dead end job early without pay, and eating a diet exclusively (almost literally) of pizza and mountain dew ….. then yes, we “grew apart”.  Sometimes I just want to scream from the roof tops, openly vent on facebook, print out brochures for them …. “How Your Son Ruined My Life: The Story of How I Almost Committed Suicide Because Ryan is a Candy Coated Asshole”…. I just wish THEY KNEW what I survived and endured, how much of an uphill battle everything was – the simplest of tasks, chores and intimacies were like pulling teeth – like pulling Excalibur from the freaking stone.  I would be ecstatic when I got a response to a text message…  A TEXT MESSAGE. This was where our marriage took off from.

And his family? They all probably think I’m some kind of monster for leaving that sweet, sweet boy. I figure it’s not my place to “out” him to his family as what he really is – but I think they would be floored if they found out what our home life was like. It would be so satisfying to go up to my father in law and inform him that his son is an emotionally abusive, manipulative, sexually impotent man child with a debilitating and SEVERE fetish porn addiction who shut me out, made me sleep alone and practically live a celibate lifestyle every night of our entire relationship/marriage. His actions made me HATE myself to the point I didn’t even value living anymore. His actions and later words indicated that he didn’t think very much of me but he loved me and maybe he figured this was as good as it got for him (facts: it definitely is, the person he’s looking for? She does not exist. Video game characters? Not real.). He told me I lack compassion, empathy, was a total pig and slob, and compared my fluctuating weight struggle (which he called a “food addiction”) to his porn addiction (which is still hilarious for obvious reasons). Everyone I’ve confided in is routinely floored at the life I put up with for years, there are countless stories – the more I tell them the more ridiculous they seem. The comments made to me, the manipulations, emotional abuse, the crippling loneliness and rejection. I was constantly controlled and denied and felt like I wasn’t able to live my life. And he could never admit it. It was like being told “you can climb this ladder if you really WANT to” while having 100 lb weights strapped to my legs.  I was quietly blamed or part of the justification for why things were the way they were – even when I told him how lonely and sad I was - which was often - until eventually I got tired of being told I was too sensitive and that there was no way to be told things “I didn’t want to hear”. It was horrible. He never once considered maybe the things he thinks “I need to hear” are just because he’s an asshole and they actually don’t need to be said because normal, kind husbands don’t think those things about their wife.  

And it makes it hard to trust because I blindly loved and trusted Ryan for almost 7 years, and I had no idea how I’m ever going to trust someone that way ever again now that I have this baggage. When I first found out what was going on in December, I wondered how I was ever going to trust anyone EVER. Ever ever ever.  He had destroyed all my self-esteem by this point – as you may know, one of the worst things about spending too long in an emotionally abusive relationship is that you have no idea you’re being emotionally abused until you’ve long been out - especially if you are the kind of person, like myself, prone to blaming yourself anyways. I was constantly guilt ridden and I couldn’t imagine leaving him because I figured no one else would want me. You get to the end of the relationship though and can’t think of a single good thing about yourself because the other person has taken it all away from you.  

Anyways, that’s where Chris comes in – and he’s lovely and smart and wonderful. Funny and successful and gorgeous. I’ll never forget the first time we met and he hugged me…. And I thought… you’re perfect. You’re tall and gorgeous and even more perfect than I had imagined.  And we just sat and held hands for awhile across a table at a coffee shop in February. I thought… you’re perfect. Even your hands are perfect. Your smile is perfect. Perfect. He was one of my best friends for six years. In the best way I can describe it, I felt “safe” for the first time in forever. Perfect. He loves me for the way I am and makes me feel good about being me. He supports my goals without making me value the person I currently am any less. And after years of struggling just for a taste of something that felt “normal” - things with him are easy and effortless. I know for sure now, that while I have my flaws, I was not THE problem in my marriage. I know that I trusted and followed the wrong person blindly and it’ll take awhile to get past the years of the brainwashing. But that phase is over for me. So, five months after the split – I’m laughing it up with friends, building my career and seeing this wonderful man… and Ryan? Well Ryan left his computer unlocked by accident a few weeks ago while I was over there cleaning and well, he’s deep back into the depths of porn addiction. He has no friends, see’s no one but maybe his dad. His life is probably lonely and sometimes I hurt for him (despite what he believes, I do have empathy and I am sensitive to people’s emotions) but I’ve realized it was never my job to try and save him or create happiness for him. I can only do that for myself.

I’ve written this post because I know there are others out there like me – trapped in bad marriages, young people especially. I know you feel like you need to stay and try – and please do, but realize sometimes there are people worth forgiving and there are people worth forgetting for good. I got married when I was 21 and was separated by 23 and divorced at 24. I am not proud of it, but I refuse to let it define me. It’s not a mark on you and it should not make you any less valuable. What others will perceive as “weakness” I KNOW is strength. It is not weakness. What you are doing is having the courage to stand up for yourself and to live the life you deserve.

Thanks, friends. - Courtney

280’s

I hit the 280’s today at 289.4 - been a slow month but I’m glad to be picking back up. The last time I tried to lose weight three years ago, I got to 285 and gave up. Gained 60 lbs in a year. This time though? No problem. 284 will also mean I only have 99 lbs to goal :) it’s way better than having 165 lbs to lose! Ha!

Pants!!!!

therewillalwaysbecake:

So I have lost enough weight to fit into a nice pair of charcoal dress pants I had bought off ebay a long time ago. When they arrived I was sad to realize they didn’t fit :(. It feels a lot better than a number on a scale to be able to zip those up now, that’s for sure, although 299 on the scale will be a good day. 

I was looking through my posts and found this from January 2013 and just wanted to say…. those dress pants? They are officially too big for me to wear :) They hang off me. How about THAT?

The photo on the left? The day I finished my post-bachelor degree Med Tech internship (~352 lbs, late August 2012). My highest weight. That photo is one that I was pretty sure I would take to my grave because I never wanted anyone to see me like that. The photo on the right? Over a third of the way there - nearly 60 lbs lost (~293 lbs, February 2014). Goal weight is 185-220 lbs. I am 6’0 tall. I lost it all with ups/downs and trial and error - but I just STUCK to it. I was depressed, dealt with marital issues, gained weight back, injured myself from trying to exercise the way I wanted to be able to -  but I STUCK TO IT. I modified my lifestyle so that I’d stop gaining weight, and slowly worked to get active and to enjoy eating healthy meals. I learned to find pleasures in something besides eating and watching TV - I enjoyed learning crafts and playing music and spending time with friends. I began loving to run and bike and swim again like many years ago. I learned that I can watch TV - but that I should do it while cleaning or working out and that I should learn to be picky in what I choose to “waste” time watching. It’s so cliche but if I can do it, anyone can. It takes a long time but it’s time that will pass regardless - you might as well put the effort in. If you want to start here’s my advice 1) Start logging your calories and holding yourself accountable - when you force yourself to face what you are doing YOU WILL WANT TO CHANGE 2) Limit your sugar, soda and processed food intake - once you get it “out of your system” - your cravings will go away, it just takes some upfront commitment 3) Make a promise to spend even just 15 minutes a day doing something active, try something new and slowly get out of your comfort zone. It’s hard and it’s scary and it’s uncomfortable and it’s not always fun, but it’s worth it. 4) Don’t be discouraged by how much you have to lose or how long it will take - all that means is that there’s no better time to start than TODAY. Follow my tumblr to see the rest of my journey :)

** EDIT I can’t believe I almost forgot 5) If there’s anyone standing in your way from reaching your goals, that doesn’t support you or help you do what you need to do - FUCK THEM. Fuck them. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Either they are with you or they aren’t.

The photo on the left? The day I finished my post-bachelor degree Med Tech internship (~352 lbs, late August 2012). My highest weight. That photo is one that I was pretty sure I would take to my grave because I never wanted anyone to see me like that. The photo on the right? Over a third of the way there - nearly 60 lbs lost (~293 lbs, February 2014). Goal weight is 185-220 lbs. I am 6’0 tall. I lost it all with ups/downs and trial and error - but I just STUCK to it. I was depressed, dealt with marital issues, gained weight back, injured myself from trying to exercise the way I wanted to be able to -  but I STUCK TO IT. I modified my lifestyle so that I’d stop gaining weight, and slowly worked to get active and to enjoy eating healthy meals. I learned to find pleasures in something besides eating and watching TV - I enjoyed learning crafts and playing music and spending time with friends. I began loving to run and bike and swim again like many years ago. I learned that I can watch TV - but that I should do it while cleaning or working out and that I should learn to be picky in what I choose to “waste” time watching. It’s so cliche but if I can do it, anyone can. It takes a long time but it’s time that will pass regardless - you might as well put the effort in. If you want to start here’s my advice 1) Start logging your calories and holding yourself accountable - when you force yourself to face what you are doing YOU WILL WANT TO CHANGE 2) Limit your sugar, soda and processed food intake - once you get it “out of your system” - your cravings will go away, it just takes some upfront commitment 3) Make a promise to spend even just 15 minutes a day doing something active, try something new and slowly get out of your comfort zone. It’s hard and it’s scary and it’s uncomfortable and it’s not always fun, but it’s worth it. 4) Don’t be discouraged by how much you have to lose or how long it will take - all that means is that there’s no better time to start than TODAY. Follow my tumblr to see the rest of my journey :)

** EDIT I can’t believe I almost forgot 5) If there’s anyone standing in your way from reaching your goals, that doesn’t support you or help you do what you need to do - FUCK THEM. Fuck them. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Either they are with you or they aren’t.

February update

I’ve been doing good. I weighed in at 294.6 this morning - which felt great. I think I’ve finally said goodbye to the 300’s, I’m over the moon. I just wanted to be truly under 300 when I “randomly weigh in” (doctors office, stepping on the scale at the gym for no reason etc).

I have a foot injury that is keeping me from my half marathon training. My achilles in my left heel has been bothering me for weeks - I have been swimming, biking and lightly doing elliptical - still very sore. So as of now, it’s all on hold, but I’m hoping things turn around soon. My half marathon training is about 6-7 months long with the race at the end of October, so I need to start training by April at the latest.

My Omron scale said “Welcome to Twoderville” this morning. 6’0 tall. 51.7 lbs lost. Goal is 185-220 cause let’s be honest - I’ll never be a size 6 and you know, that’s me and if you don’t like it that is some tough shit right there. Ever letting myself get this way is the biggest humiliation of my life. I’ve accepted it. It happened and I can’t change that. But I came. I lost. I conquered. Go fucking get it.

My Omron scale said “Welcome to Twoderville” this morning. 6’0 tall. 51.7 lbs lost. Goal is 185-220 cause let’s be honest - I’ll never be a size 6 and you know, that’s me and if you don’t like it that is some tough shit right there. Ever letting myself get this way is the biggest humiliation of my life. I’ve accepted it. It happened and I can’t change that. But I came. I lost. I conquered. Go fucking get it.

300.4 this morning

I AM SO CLOSE GUYS. Having my weight start with a “2” - a simple joy only a few of us will ever be able to never take for granted.

I THINK IT’S HAPPENING TOMORROW? MAYBE?

Almost out of the Three Hundred Thunder club.

Still trucking along. At like, 301.4 - I’m sure I will play the WATER WEIGHT game for awhile before I’m under 300 for real - but I’m really close guys :) I know that by the time 2015 rolls around, I’m gonna be the me I always wanted to be. There is literally (literally, literally) no worse embarrassment for me in my life than that I ever let myself get over 300 lbs. This, tumblr, is my deepest darkest secret that I have shared with you. It is something I’d completely be okay if most people never knew about me.

I’d like to be between 185-220.

Eating wise - reduced carb (<80g most day with 100g of protein). Exercising for about an hour of cardio every day, taking sporadic break days (maybe 1-2 a week). The gym is where I’m headed now, anyways!

I have some pretty rotten things going on in my personal life, I won’t dwell on them. I’m potentially getting a divorce after 2 years of marriage. WE JUST BOUGHT AN EXPENSIVE HOUSE TOO. But that’s life for you. Gamble and you lose sometimes. I have a whole new life to look forward to, though.

Where am I?

Off track, yo-yo-ing, can’t seem to quite find a groove! I get there and slip…. but I keep trying and I don’t give up!

Long story short.

1) sold our house and I got way off track

2) gained 8 lbs  15 lbs

3) I just rebooted Nutrisystem on Monday. So far so good. God I forgot how bad the dinners suck. THEY SUCK.

C25k update

Sooooooooooo the deal with Couch 2 5k. I was freaking on fire in June. ON FIRE. Then the exact same thing that happened last fall happened - when I went to run Week 3 I felt like my body was falling apart. And it wasn’t the familiar growing pains of conditioning myself - it was like my knees were going to snap off. I could barely run without searing pain. 

So once again………………. I quit. I think maybe I need to accept the fact I weigh too much to run right now? I’m putting too much stress on my shins, knees and hips? Seriously it was horrible, horrible “something’s wrong” pain. And what sucks is that it was some major ass deja vu of all the past failures.

Ugggggggggggggh.

Circular reasoning.

I live in this constant depressing reality where I’m unhappy because I’m fat, and I’m fat because I’m unhappy.

Time to take a sledgehammer and break this motherfucker out of it’s mold. 

fatfancies:

It’s really disheartening when I have to check people for calling bigger people who wear tight fitting, sleeveless or short clothes  ‘disgusting.’ It’s like who do you think you are? People still wear CROCS. THAT’S the REAL crime here.

Lmaoooooo